Currently I’m torturing myself. I’m upset that there is no woman in my life. I don’t know why I get like this. Well I know exactly why this time. I went on a few dates with this girl. She told me that she was just playing the field, looking for a good time. I was ok with that. Then we slept together. The killer, is that after we went for breakfast the next morning she asked to come back to my place. She’s also a DJ so we spun records together and then she wanted to play the new mortal kombat game. I was so nice to hang out with her. I got hooked.
I’ve been here before, more times than I’d care to mention. I know what the deal is. I can tell that she has distanced herself, thats fine. But I can’t change how I feel. Now I long for someone to fill the gap. But I know thats bad practice.
I know ladies don’t make me happy, they make me crazy, even when things are going the way I’d like them to. I know I’m happiest when there are no ladies, and I don’t want any. I just can’t seem to get away form the idea that somewhere there is one, fuck I just need one, girl that I could be happy with. So I can stop this angst.
But I know thats stupid, I don’t need anyone to complete me. I don’t need anyone to make me happy. It’s when I meet someone, and feel a connection with them that I get all fucked up. Sometimes I just want to put up big huge walls and not let any women near me. But I know thats stupid too. I’m dammed if I do and I’m dammed if I don’t. I’m a masochist.
I had what should of been my final session on Sunday. But it didn’t go as I had planned. the design that I made has a heart chakra in the center, which is a green 12 pedaled louts flower, then out of it are “rays of love” which start at yellow, then green then blue. During my third session I had the outline done and the coloring done on my left side. When I went in on Sunday. He continued to color. he started by coloring one of the yellow pedals green. He insisted that he could fix by adding some red and yellow ink. I panicked (always the worst idea) I agreed to add the red if it would cover up the green. He added the red in the design I had set up for the yellow detail. Should of been in orange. Anyway the rest of the tat went fine but when I got home I hated it. The color concept was to be yellow in the centre, then green then blue. My chest is green and red :(. Not what I wanted. I have already made my laser appointment to remove the red, so I can have yellow put in its place. I can’t believe I’m going to a laser place. I’m embarrassed about it. I just want the design that I spent months creating on my chest, not this “fixed up one”. It looks fine, just not what I wanted.
So I’m going to spend the next 4-6 months and close to $1200 getting the red removed, then have it replaced with yellow, and adding blue detail in the outer pedals and a blue out line around the whole thing. FML!
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